So much has been going on in our lives lately it seems. I don't have much to show for it, but change has been the constant theme of the past several weeks. I'll get to some of the changes later on... but as always, I feel like what the Lord has been doing in my heart is weighing heavier on me than the actual, physical situations.
For those of you who have read my ramblings from the beginning of Little Black Dress until now (Mom, Dad), then I think you'll agree that I often have to relearn the lesson of being okay with not being in control. I love for things to happen the way I plan. I've struggled with this since my early days when it played out in being a bossy big sister. And today, in marriage the struggle seems to get uglier and ickier as my sin rears its hideous head right in front of Evan. Control, wrapped up in pride, with a helping of selfishness on the side is not the most attractive thing. You can ask him, I'm sure he'll agree.
Evan and I talk about holding everything in our lives loosely, with an open hand, because ultimately the things in our life is not what we are about. What really drives us, satisfies us and gives us joy is Christ. Last night, I was reading John 6, and remembering what JR Vassar preached on a few weeks ago. In verse 26, Jesus is talking to a crowd that has followed him and calls them out for wanting what He gives more than who He is.
"Jesus answered, 'Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.''”
We've all heard the cheesy sayings, "Love the Creator more than the creation." "Love the Giver more than the gifts."
Obviously, if its stamped on coffee mugs and wind chimes, then I'm not the only one who struggles with this concept.
Do I really love God more than my life?
Do I really trust Him to provide the very best for me?
As I've wrestled through my doubts and lack of faith, God has been gracious to encourage me. Through Evan. Through my parents. Through David Platt and his book, Radical. It has been a season of growth. Uncomfortable and Painful. Humbling and Good.
The changes that face us include job changes for Evan and myself. I am no longer coaching cheerleading. Evan is most likely moving on to a new youth pastor position at the Met Church in Keller. We have the possibility of moving houses and letting go of the Village Church.
Excited. Scared. Anxious. Curious.
I am, on any given day, a mixed bag of emotions. I am very thankful for my God-fearing and following husband and our very understanding and supportive community; they make it so much easier to trust the Lord and take a leap of faith.
As this new journey continues to evolve, I'm sure I'll have more junk surface in my heart, but for now I am confident in Christ. John 15 says that apart from Him we can do nothing. All other ground is sinking sand. As out of control as I may feel, I'm choosing to plant my feet firmly on Him and watch as He works things out.